Chauncey is a better name

Today is that day. So much to say, not enough screen or paper to hold all of my thoughts. I know sometimes I'm funny and i pull out the jokes and the one liners, but today's not that day. I'm out of jokes, smiles, and laughs. All i seem to have left is hate, anger, and tears. Shit I'm even running low on those.

I've been hitting the gym as promised in the first blog. Yea it was supposed to be for the sake of losing a few pounds but the deep down reason was so i could balance myself out, even if it was just a bit. All I've gotten out of working out is a higher stress level and an issue with dairy products. The more i work out the more assholes i meet. (GIVE ME A MINUTE... JUST CALL ME NEGATIVE NANCY) The next time i see you if i say "Go fuck yourself!" thats my new sweet super kick ass way of saying hello. I would much rather kick you in the balls or sock you in the tit but hey no one likes jail, its just too damn cold.

I hate douche bags! Yes a very very broad statement... So many douche bags...


I want to just touch on my latest spike in blood pressure. It's Saturday night I'm bartending my little heart away. Smiling like i like people and their shitty jokes. Possibly even letting someone think that I'm interested in their pervy little "Do you sleep with married men" jokes. I look at my watch and sweet savior obama its 2am! At this point angels are singing and the heavens are opening. Now I can have a shift drink! Really all it means is i don't have to politely eat anyones shit. I had these two guys sitting at the end of the bar who had earlier pissed me off but i decided to give them a chance. They started off their night by whistling at me like a dog and then asking my name. I decided to let it go. However they didn't, I'm pretty positive they thought they were at home seconds away from slapping their barefoot and pregnant wives around the trailer park. Anyways I kindly asked him if whistling a women like they were Labrador retrievers worked for him, I may have said he was rude and should rethink his approach. All things i stand by to be true. He profusely apologized. Me being the twat i am i just ignored him and continued on cleaning. For the stories sake we will call this guy Wayne, well Wayne brought a friend to the bar Billy Bob. Wayne proceeded to tell Billy Bob that "bitches just can't take complements". REALLY?!?!? BITCHES just can't take compliments, it's been so long since i've received a real compliment i couldn't recognize a whistle as one. Damn me... Well good old Wayne kept trying to think of "that blonde girl that's dating the other blonde girl and the one has a talk show". Apparently they dont get that channel in the park. Wayne proceeds to stop me and say " Hey you would know her. whats that dykes name?" Right there people is when i grabbed their half full bottles of miller high life and dumped that sweet sweet champagne of beers down the drain.



Well Wayne and billy bob got pissed. All i said was you're done, have a nice night. Wayne mustered up every intelligent thought he had and all he came up with was followed by " fuck you bitch you just have a dick up your ass" blah blah blah... Before i told them they were banned i made sure to say drive home safe! Random story i know but i just wanted to give you all a heads up as to why it is i get a twitch when i go to work. Also it seems like my pain is your pleasure.I feel a little better now that i let that out.

Let me please just say the Sarah Mclachlan is the new Sally Struthers but for animals. I mean really everytime i come home from work at 4am or stumble in drunk from the bar i can guarantee that i will turn on the TV to hear "arms of an angel" and see a one eyed no leg dog named tink who needs my help. Really yes i respect that these people are genius enough to pick that time slot. I bet they have made millions! Drunks across America are slurring their credit card numbers to someone in Pakistan crying about a dog named tink and their old dog buster who needed help but they couldn't return cans in time or something. In case you haven't seen the commerical I'm talking about its worse than the starving children in third world countries. That bitch ruined my buzz one night! Something to look forward to the next time you tie one on. If i were you i would throw my wallet away in the taco bell bag before you spend $50 on getting tink a new leg!


**Disclaimer** I mean no offense to Pakistan or trailer parks

T.W.A.T.

This could come to be one of my more bitter rants. Well maybe not bitter but frusterated. This all stems from a dinner with friends that led to talk of Oprah and her churches or cults could quiet possibly be one in the same. ** Disclaimer only watch what you can take**

Oprah has single handedly shit in my cherrios today. I feel like she called me and said your not living up to your full potential but here is a BRAND NEW SATURN to help but you on the path to oneness with the world and it will balance your ora. Today is that one day a month that my mom always likes to remind me that i'm not living up to my full potential. However today there was a little different twist to the usual speech. Starts off "Kyle i gave you all of the opportunities you needed in high school i got you the best education, i made sure that everything would be right there for you" Ok my first problem with this speech every single time is, since when has anything been right there for anyone? I mean hello you have to work for it and if you dont have to work for it then you probably look like this...

minus the burger... sorry i was hungry.....

Back to the point yes its true i did not go to college. I'm not dead yet people there is still time. Instead of school i moved out and did shit on my own. Lived life, loved life, found out bills suck and allegedly credit is important. Oops, whatev next time right? But hey fuck it the world was set on a silver platter infront of me and i just said no thank you world i would prefer to struggle and mother fuck drunk people every chance i get, BUT try next door she seems willing to have it all for free. Woof... Ok i'm getting side tracked.

I need to tell you why Oprah shit in my cheerios today. Right after her big speech she takes a sigh at which right away i'm nervous. A sigh from a parent is never good. But then here its is (In a super cheerful voice like jesus himself whispered in her ear)---->" According to Oprah you just have to try harder and dig deeper, its in that book that was her book of the month,

THE SECRET

It will change your life kyle. I've seen the people on her show, i mean they had nothing and now they run their own company! Its all because of Oprah and The Secret"
Clearly they went from a box under the freeway to a penthouse suite all due to fucking Oprah Winfrey and The Secret... ohhh ahhhh

Nope there is no way that this person (if they really do exist) did all of this amazing life changing transformation on their own. Nah fuck hard work all he had to do was read a book and really "think it" and poof there he was on surrounded by money and women

If thats the case i skimmed over the cliff notes and i've been thinking about something for years now so maybe just maybe today is my day?? eh??

Damn it! i even closed my eyes.... her face is nowhere near my crotch... bitch... Welp i guess the secret is secretly a big fat lie like oprahs big fatass.... Now that i let that out i feel a little better... Oprah you're a cunt or a C.U.N.T.

P.s. In the midst of this blog i found out Oprah isn't all that down with jesus... sooo...

Poker faces and blow jobs

I learned some valuable things this past weekend, just to set you up with the range of where my mind had to go I'm just going to skim through. Ready? Hookers, blow jobs, poker faces, gays, horses, pistols, and sex (for free and money). Best part i spent my weekend with my girlfriend and my dad. Guess who did most of the talking...

I have to retell this story that my dad told me, way to amazing to pass up. My dad was in the army and i love to hear his stories. I think a lot of it has to to with the way he tells them, there seems to be extra little bit of joy when he gets to tell me about parts of his life i knew nothing about. Keep in mind my dad is a bit of a free spirit and really lived his life.*My version of a disclaimer* The story starts in Panama, what he was doing there is unclear. Its a need to know basis and all i need to know is it was army related. After 2 weeks in the jungle they took some downtime. Of course after busting your ass for two weeks all you really want to do is get some. What better place than at a brothel? Lets try and picture this, 8 men sitting at a table playing poker (texas hold'em for those of you who need to know). Object of the game was best poker face wins. Under normal settings this wouldnt be so hard but when there are two different games going on its important to maintain the perfect poker face. Game one is texas hold'em, game two who is getting a blow job under the table? Yes a bit crude my dad is telling me this story but if you knew the man you would know he was so proud of this time in his life. So the object of the game is to hide your O face, the person who showed their "hand" lost and had to pay up. All i could think was jesus christ thats some fucking bonding. I mean really could you sit at a table and let someone go down on you? Not to mention not show the pure joy of it all on your face. Yes i said pure joy, go fuck yourself if you tell me you wouldnt get off on it. Lets think about this:

A) No one knows its you, they think its the 7 other people you are with

B) Its in public (right off the bat most people get excited)

C) Something different and new( always a good time)

I bet your trying to find all of your poker chips and are currently going through your blackberry trying to figure out just which one of your hornball friends would be game. You sick bastard.

P.s I'm in

Sweet mother i almost forgot about operation q-tip. Turns out they should but a warning label on those bad boys for all ages not just small children.

This is my girlfriend and i love her and this face <3

She loves to hide the bad things that she has done like a small child. Sometimes i think she hides in the bathroom and i feel like if i bust open the door i will find her with a mirror in hand getting to know herself. I mean that has never happened but thats more than likely just because i haven't whipped open the door at the right time yet. This particular morning im sitting on the couch wanting to go outside and play to enjoy up north and all its glory...aka roll in the dirt or shoot something. She has me waiting in the couch for a good 20 minutes. Finally i snap cant take it anymore i head towards the bathroom fully ready for the mirror in hand and pants around her ankles only to find her sitting with the sad kid face with a dash of please don't beat me.

I love that people will just fold when you give them a look not even a back hand just a look. She lost the fuzzy part of the q-tip in her ear and instead of asking for help she shoved it into her brain. In case you dont know me i laugh at the wrong moments, needless to say i almost pissed my pants. Man if anyone could kill with looks it would be her. Instantly im fumbling around for a flash light. So here i am with a flash light, my hat on backwards to see better of course, i think i was using my cargo shorts as a utility belt and then i dove in head first. I gave up. To much work and no pay off. I mean really, what is the reward for fishing that bad boy out of her ear? No sexy time but more than likely a pat on the back and a thank you. So i walked out of the bathroom made it as far as the kitchen before the guilt hit me. I like to think that im above guilt turns out im not. What if she poked out her ear drum she can barely hear me as it is. I make it back to the bathroom this time hoping for the mirror, again the let down... no mirror. Just that look again. This time she removed it, which i think she made a deal with the devil because i swear that thing was touching her brain...

I just have to get this random thought off of my chest. I swear it will be quick i think this has gone on long enough today.

1. I love cheese.... muenster the most

2. Yesterday i was behind a student driver and all i wanted to do was ride her ass. She had this horrified look like i was trying to explain the shocker to her. As we got on the freeway she gunned it down 94 so i follow just to scare her a bit. i wont be the only whack job she will encounter on the road. Seriously though havent you ever just wanted to fuck with them? I almost sped up to pull in front her just to slam on my brakes. This poor girl got off at the same exit as me. Wrong move. I think yesterday was just one of those days that i jus wanted to be an ass bag. She looked at me and in my head i was running up to the car and ripping off the student driver sign from the roof. God it would have been glorious, just to rip that bad boy off shake it at her and then jump in my car and speed off in my little red box of craziness. Ha that little psychotic

break should hold me over for a few days.

Do me a favor next time you see a student driver blow them a kiss and give them a wink.

Pop my cherry

So i have sat here for about 20 minutes just staring at the page hoping something amazing and clever will come to me. For some reason i feel like my first time out should be something profound. Clearly this is not going to be the case with a title like "pop my cherry", now i feel like a 19 year old blonde girl who just got to canada for the first time with tall clear light-up hooker heels . Now that i have gotten my awkwardness out of the way and left you with the thoughts of 19 year old blondes(lord knows we love them even if they are nuts)

Im still sitting here trying to find something witty to say and it has just hit me, why I just dont seem to have my usual spunk. My better half is gone, i mean its not like she went straight or died she just went to cali. Apparently the moment she left the state i lost my spunk. Damn her and those blue eyes. Its like using regular sugar for life then suddenly switching to splenda.... its just missing something. Jesus most of my references seem to have something to do with young blondes and food... just think what could happen if i mixed the two :) oh the possibilities...

Now on to the point of this little blogging experiment. I'm going to use this like kanye's weight loss challenge. Yes people i am overweight. I'm not obese but i'm too heavy for my own good. And by my own good i mean i cant touch my toes because my budda belly is in the way. My current thought process is that if i basically tell the world im fat and i want to lose weight and try and monitor my progress it will happen. Along with working out. I mean im not one of those people that hook up that instant ab machine put in the batteries and sit down to eat my pint of ice cream hoping that they will balance each other out or that i will wake up with a 6 pack. I will be realistic. So here is my dirty little secret im currently pushing 160 ugh i feel a little better i might reach for a twinkie for comfort.. no instead i will go to the bar and drink vodka on the rocks. Thats where i will first cut my calories. In all seriousness this is the day i will start. I will hope for your support and if i dont have it worse things have happened.

P.s. My blogs will not always be about my kanye weight loss challenge I will get funny soon... just as soon as she gets back